What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
