When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
