if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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