Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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