So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Come on in and take your pants off
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