This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
