so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
