What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
