look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
