I accidentally had phone sex last night
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
