Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
