If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I wannas sexs uuuuu
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
