You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
