Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
