Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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