Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize