Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
