I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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