I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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