i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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