did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
