Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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