I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
