Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
