Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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