but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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