i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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