Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
