she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
