His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
