I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
