what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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