I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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