I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
