I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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