I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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