Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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