Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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