problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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