Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
