perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
