I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
