Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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