I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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