Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Randomize
