Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
