I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
