you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize