On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
