you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
