I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Randomize
