I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
