Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize