She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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