I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
