Your face is a jimmy john
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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