Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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