TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
