if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
