I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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