its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
